Claustrophobia
I have these moments of claustrophobia. Surprisingly, it’s not because we live in a small unfurnished apartment. It actually has nothing to do with the size of the space I’m in or how many people are around me. My claustrophobia comes when the size of my life gets too small.
In high school I was President of my Junior class, Vice President of my Senior class, Vice President of the Student Council, and captain of the cheerleading team for both my high school and my college teams. At the crux of all those accomplishments existed a burning desire to impact, influence, and inspire the people around me. I didn’t know what job title that qualified me for. All I knew was at the core of my being there was a drive to make a difference.
When I was growing up, I honestly thought I could do anything. As a second grader I declared to my family that I wanted to be President. Someone quipped, “You mean the President’s wife.” No, I meant President. And why not? I relished the idea of being in charge and making important decisions everyday. (And living in a beautiful home like the White House didn’t sound bad either…)
When I was in the fourth grade, I changed my mind and decided to be an astronaut. Not just any astronaut! I wanted to be the first woman in space. My parents even sent me to Space Camp. It was there that I learned another woman beat me to outer space. Crushed, I decided to hang up my space suit and move on to something else.
After I became a Christian in college, I decided to become a missionary. I remember when John Piper asked people to stand at the One Day Conference as a public commitment to pursue missions. My passion for missions practically propelled me out of my seat. With every fiber in my body, I wanted to change the spiritual temperature of the nation of China.
But then my parents went through a nasty separation, and I had an instinctive need to stay close-by while my family crumbled. During that time I met a man who had an obvious and overwhelming call on his life to impact, influence, and inspire people. Meeting him was a breath of fresh air to my bleeding heart, and in the midst of all the pain of my breaking family, he reminded me of my own forgotten desire to make a change in the world. We recognized this shared passion in each other and knew that we were soul mates. We were married 11 months later.
It’s been five years since then. Somehow I’ve morphed from “Amateur World Changer” to “Claustrophobic”. My world feels very small and my accomplishments seem even smaller. My vision for life reaches as far as the end of the day.
Being a stay-at-home Mom is something I do strictly out of obedience to the Lord. I do it because my husband wants me to and because I truly believe in my heart it’s what is best for our family right now. But in all honesty, I would much rather be living my husband’s life than my own. I long to work for an organization that’s making a major impact in the lives of people. I want to go to work every day with a burning passion to make a difference. I want to be surrounded with intelligent people and discuss tactics and theories on implementing cultural change. I want to use my talents and gifts for something greater than myself.
And then I realize, somewhat guiltily, that I should be doing all those things in my daily life right now. In fact, didn’t I just write the job description for the ideal stay-at-home Mom? Shouldn’t every day of my life be spent impacting, influencing, and inspiring my children? Do I not have one of THE most important jobs in the entire world? If so, then why, WHY, WHY am I not satisfied? Why does fulfillment elude me? Why doesn’t this longing to be out in the world doing something BIG go away?
I may not know the answer to those questions, but I do know this:
“As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” (Joshua 24:15)
God has called me to be a stay-at-home Mom for a season. And even though doing so sometimes goes against every natural inclination I have, I choose to obey. Following God’s calling is not an impulse or an accident. It is a deliberate, daily, conscientious choice. The Bible tells us to “choose this day whom you will serve.” (Joshua 24:15) On the days when the walls seem to be closing in on me, usually it’s because my heart has not made the choice to serve the Lord that day.
So, today I choose Him. I choose His way because He is THE Way. At least, that’s the decision I’ve made for now. Tomorrow is another day!
Oh I loved this post…I totally understand and need to be reminded of what you said daily! You said it so well…thank you!
| Posted 1 year, 4 months ago
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| Posted 1 year, 4 months agoI have enjoyed your blogs and you are an amazing servent of God. You are so wise to do what HE has asked you to do for this season in your life. I knew over 2 years ago that God was some how calling me into Ministry. I did not know how or when. I was a middel school teacher and each year He sent me back into teaching. Last year I almost manipulated things to take a different job with a lot more money (as a single mom that was huge!) I felt God telling me to stay in teaching. I was so dissappointed! But I stayed instead of making my own move, I waited till He said move. At the end of this year I was offered a job in Ministry with Fellowship of Christian Athletes organization. I cant help but to think what would be different had I not done what He called me to do!
| Posted 1 year, 4 months agoSo stay your course and know His timing is perfect! AND you are a missionary (to your family, to those who read your blog, to your church and your community!
You go girl!
Man, oh man does this hit home! Thank you for reminding me that obedience is a choice. One thing that rings in my head is something that my mom used to tell us growing up. ‘You are happy when you obey.’
| Posted 1 year, 4 months agoI love reading your blogs. Good stuff!
| Posted 1 year, 3 months ago